The day after meeting the attorney and while I was still living in a hotel after fleeing my home in fear, I received a call from my gynecologist. My pap smear came back abnormal. “You have HPV and we need to schedule you for a biopsy as soon as possible.”
“Sorry, what did you just say? I don’t understand. HPV? What does that mean?”
“We would like for you to come in and talk to the doctor. Can we schedule you for next week?”“It’s a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer,” she said.
Luckily, I had just parked my car when the nurse called because my body literally sank. I haven’t been with anyone else in over 20 years. How do I have HPV? How have I never had an abnormal pap smear?
Then the words from the chats came flooding back to me and I wanted to throw up! I remember my narcissistic husband bragging to the other woman he was trying to sleep with about the different women he had been with.
One of them was even a friend of hers that he had slept with 2 years before while I was home pregnant with our second child. He didn’t really like her but it was “convenient” he told her. I instantly made myself sick just thinking about it.
Not to mention, that I had also found out through the chats that this woman he was chatting with had come to our town just 2 months before I found out about them for their first official date. The month before that we had learned I was pregnant – surprise!
And on this particular weekend he was meeting her, I was home physically going through a miscarriage and entertaining his family while he was taking her for expensive dinners, drinks by the lake, and lying to me the whole time about where he was and who he was with.
Who is this despicable person I’m married to? Obviously he doesn’t care about me at all. How can you do this to someone you are supposed to love? Someone you have two children with?
And who is she? I had learned from the chats that she is married with a daughter. Does she know I’m home going through a miscarriage right now?
How can she want to be with someone so awful? And in their chats she calls him sexy? A great father… a great husband and great provider…. ? Who the hell is she talking about? Certainly not the person I’m living with.
But he’s filled her with so many lies about himself, about me, about our relationship and our business. Narcissists and psychopaths are masters at spinning an alternate reality and making anyone around them believe it.
I go to the doctor for the biopsy. They find that it is worse than they had hoped and I’m in the final stage of precancerous before it turns into full cancer. The photos of the cancer progress in the brochure scared me to death.
I’m terrified. Things are getting worse and I need to tell my mom. I have to tell her everything… I’ve found out my narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde husband has been cheating on me, we’ve separated and I filed for divorce, and I just found out that I may not live to see my children grow up.
Mom drives the 6-hour road trip to be with me at the next procedure to try to remove the cancerous cells. After reading through the material on HPV, I asked the doctor what the likelihood of me having this laying dormant from over 20 years ago is and she said not high.
She explained that stress will often trigger it if dormant and I had my fair share of stressful times with school, work, and two bad miscarriages before we had our first son. She said my body went through so much during those that it would have shown up.
I had recently had a third miscarriage that brought me back to her, and the new pap smear where HPV was discovered. My youngest son was two and everything was fine when he was born.
By this point, my narcissistic husband had convinced my mother-in-law, whom I was very close to before, that I am crazy, he is not having an affair, and this is all my fault. When I tried to talk to her about finding out about the HPV, she refused to listen and wouldn’t even acknowledge what I said.
I wanted to scream at her, “I’m the mother of your grandchildren, I’ve known you 20 years, and I just told you I might die and you ignore me and act like you could care less!?”
My husband was denying everything and convinced her it was me that had gotten it from someone else. He was telling me, “Everyone has it; it’s not a big deal.”
“You are unbelievable!” I said. “Not everyone has the type of HPV I have and not everyone with HPV is facing cervical cancer. There are different kinds of HPV. Don’t tell me how to feel and that it is no big deal when you are the one that gave it to me!”
Months later, he admitted to being with other people, very briefly said he was sorry that I was going through this (not admitting that it was his fault though), and then just like his typical Jekyll and Hyde psychopath self, told me I should have a hysterectomy and then I couldn’t get cervical cancer. Problem solved.
And just when I think he has said the worst he can ever say to me, he tops it yet again!
Who is this person? Is it the devil in human form? And I’m married to him… and have children with him?!
What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?
I have been faithful to this man for over 20 years. I have gone through 3 miscarriages, birthed to beautiful boys, supported him for the first 15 years together, gone though all my savings for him, and worked side by side to grow a business together.
Every decision I’ve made has been for us and our family.
Not so for him. He could care less if he hurts my feelings, or whether I live to see my children grow.
I’m left with feeling… was there ever any love there? Did he ever love me or was this an act from the beginning?
He would give me the answers to that in a fight a year later…