I Miss My Kids – Trying to Find a Way to Fill the Void

Divorcing a Narcissist / Psychopath can wear you down.  Stress and depression seems to become part of your daily reality and you have to find ways to keep yourself going.

I remember when I was married and longed for a few minutes to myself.  Kids running around screaming (either in play or fighting with each other), dirty diapers, dishes and laundry piled up, and I still had work to do.  And oh no… it’s almost dinnertime and I have to come up with something for everyone to eat!

I dreamed of a day to myself.  A day of relaxing, reading a book, and working on projects uninterrupted.

A day to wake up, have a cup of coffee with no one yelling at me, no one expecting me to have already done a 2 hour workout, be fashionably dressed and a gourmet breakfast on the table with two little boys sitting quietly eating speaking to each other in calm adult tones.

A modern day Leave It to Beaver.   If you live with a narcissist, you know how they tend to live in an alternate reality and expect everyone to read their mind and cater to their wishes.

Now I’m in the middle of divorcing a psychopath and in the most stressful time of my life.   I still have all those previous tasks and wishes but find myself dreading the “me time.”

It’s his weekend with the kids and a sadness comes over me as soon as the day starts.  I almost prefer my seven year old getting in trouble for talking back to me than having them away from me.

I know if I stay in my empty house, I will start crying uncontrollably and probably curl up in the bed and not come out until the weekend is over.  So I force myself to go somewhere, anywhere to be around people or outside in the sun.

Don’t get me wrong, I think crying is good and necessary.  There are studies proving that it is actually good for you, and I know enough about myself to know this is how my body releases the stress and frustration that I’m having after living with and now divorcing a narcissist / psychopath.  I’m sure I’ll be doing more crying tonight when I return to that quiet house.

But I’m also not going to quit and I’m sure as heck not going to let that narcissist / psychopath defeat me no matter how much he tries to beat me down.

I accept that I’m going through a bad time and realize that this is an opportunity for me to grow and learn how to deal with being alone at times and learning how to be okay with myself… by myself.

I’ve learned through part of my counseling that many women after a break up like this will try to mask the pain and fill the void with either jumping into another relationship too quickly, or mask it through alcohol or drugs.

The verbal and sometimes physical abuse of living with a narcissist / psychopath lowers your self-esteem and self-confidence.   You start to question whether you are worthy of love and affection.

Unfortunately, this low self-esteem and low self confidence is exactly what the next narcissist is looking for — easy prey!

And if I didn’t have enough fear and instability in my life right now, I learn that 65% of all child abuse (sexual and physical) comes from the mother’s boyfriend or next husband.  Generally this happens when the mother jumps into a relationship too soon after the separation and is easy prey for the next charming narcissist / psychopath that charms her into thinking he can make everything better.

I’m trying not to do what my soon-to-be ex’s girlfriend did and trade one husband she thought was terrible for someone who is much worse than the first but convinced her that he was perfect.

So I loaded up my laptop and headed to the nearest coffee shop.  Going through divorcing a psychopath has made me appreciate the internet and being able to connect to people more than I ever appreciated it before.

Now I can connect with other people without driving my married friends crazy because they have no idea what I’m going through.

So when I know I’m going to be sad, I try to decide how to either change my state or use it to my benefit.  Today, I’m writing to get some of it out.  It feels good to talk to you, even if you’re in cyberspace.  And since I’m on my ‘lonely no kids weekend,’ you may hear from me a lot more.  J